FROM THE LAND OF MAPLE SYRUP #1

If the following few paragraphs are a little garbled, forgive me, I think I may have incurred some minor brain damage. More on this later.

It’s fricken cold here in Toronto. Like 6 degrees cold. I mean it’s not as cold as it was when I got here, and all the snow’s cleared… but people I’m meeting are asking me whether I’m enjoying this nice Spring weather. I wait for the punchline… but it never comes. They’re serious. I mean, it got up to 7 degrees a couple days ago, and no shit, the entire block were out the back, barbecuing.

Whenever someone asks where I’m from and I say Australia, they always look at me quizzically, like “why the fuck did you come here then?” That lasts a few seconds… then they ask me if I know Heather Brodie, their niece who lives in some place called Monash in the A.C.T.

So yesterday I got up early and went to CANADA’S WONDERLAND, where they “hope that the rest of your day… is paramount.” It’s this massive, massive theme park. Like Disneyland, but without all the fanfare. Just ride after ride, for as far as you can see. And these are big rides too, like coasters that are four times the size of the Scenic Railway at Luna Park. The night before, my cousin had been telling us that there had recently been a bunch of studies that showed that most of the rides there caused multiple small “brain tears.” And occasionally people lose the ability to long-divide.

Anyway, so we got there round 11am so we could get in a full day of violent inner organ rearrangement. And like I said… it’s fricken cold. In fact, soon as we handed over our ticket and passed through the turnstiles, they handed us another complimentary pass to come back another time. The girls handing out said passes were giving almost apologetic looks, like “sorry we built this big open air amusement complex where people barbecue when it’s 7 degrees.”

In any case, the poor weather meant that the park was nearly empty.

If you like coasters, this is the place for you. At last count, I think there were at least 16. So we worked our way through them… ‘wild beast,’ ‘dragon fire,’ ‘vortex’… trying to build up confidence to ride the biggest old wooden coaster, ‘The Mighty Canadian Minebuster.’ It’s fast repeated vertical bumps and tendency for vigorous lateral movement has earned it the unofficial title, simply, 'Spinebuster.' It looks like one of those models that old men make out of matchsticks. Anyway, this sucka was wet. I could see the soaked wood, and dripping steel tracks as we approached. One of the female operators assured us that the water would not affect the safety, just the speed. Apparently they’ve determined that physical laws like Force = Mass times Acceleration don’t apply where cotton candy is involved.

The coaster climbed and climbed. We weren’t even at the top yet, and I swear I could see my house… in Melbourne. In fact I think it was night time up there at the top for a while. In any case, we plunged with such voracity that I swallowed my tongue, twice, and then another three times over the violent, nay fucking violent, 2 minutes that ensued. I think I slipped a disc, and acquired a compression fracture to my L1 vertebra. It was awesome.

But I needed a rest. And possibly traction. Instead I went on another six rides before deciding to escape the rain and freezing conditions by seeking refuge inside one of the family restaurants. They must have been expecting the Hilton and Ritchie families, because the prices were outrageous. I mean, seriously beyond my means. I offered the cashiers my complimentary pass in exchange for a discount, but there were no takers. So I contacted my bank, and the manager suggested that I make the minimum purchase. I got a “regular” bucket of chips and a sprite (strangely, the beverages were quite reasonably priced). Anyway, it was good to be indoors, so I contently snacked away on my $17 thimble of chips and washed it down with my $1.20 jumbo bucket of Sprite.

By this stage my back had started to feel a little bit better. So I decided it was time to gently get back into the swing of things by hopping on one of the milder rides. I strolled along until I found such a ride. ‘The Sledge Hammer’ is described as “a menacing, mechanical giant, cutting the skyline at an awesome 80-feet in the air.” I may have got in upside down, but I can assure you, this baby had my feet cutting a fair bit of skyline for themselves. I think at this point I noticed I had possibly experienced a few of those “brain tears” that my cousin was mentioning.

I think this post is now longer than Roland’s entry, so we’ll fast forward to 12 brain tears later.

Top Gun. If the cheap speakers blaring out “Danger Zone” and getting to hi-five a fibreglass Tom Cruise weren’t enough to get me excited, I got an immediate hard-on when I saw this coaster from heaven. It’s one of those ones that clasp around your shoulders, and your feet dangle below. I ran up to the platform and tried to get myself strapped in. The ride-goers clamp the big shoulder clasps around themselves, and then the operators come and do up these belts around your waist and raise this safety-bar inbetween your legs. I noticed as the operator was approaching me that he was wearing socks with thongs on. I’m pretty sure that’s not regulation footwear. Anyway, he must have felt my hard-on because he spent a lot more time around my crotch area than anyone else’s. In fact, he brushed his hands up against me a couple of times, so I said to him “I don’t think that rod is going to increase my safety.” He just winked and said “It’s all part of the service.” Of course I told him to fuck off. Then out loud I said “ha ha ha… heh.”

Anyway, eventually they hit go button. And it’s fast. Like really fast, with loops, barrel-rolls and huge nose dives. I was in the front so there was nothing in front of me but open air. The raindrops were like enemy bullets, spraying across my fuselage. I didn’t have to worry about missiles locking on though, because I was chaffing like crazy. (Hahah! Get it!? No? Click here.) I tell you what, this ride was so fucking cool. I didn’t care how many brain tears I got. I went on it another two times.

And then another three times when I got home to bed. No shit, I lay there for hours trying to get to sleep, and everytime I closed my eyes, I’d get that feeling like I was in a barrel-roll. In fact... I’ve still got it today. Seriously. I’m hoping it’ll be gone tomorrow, because I’m starting to worry. What if my cousin was right?

Anyone know how to long divide?