Walsh St Guide Series #4: Sydney

1. Weather. Never take crap from a Sydneysider over Melbourne weather again. Sydney has more than twice the average yearly rainfall of Melbourne. And when it rains, it can rain for weeks at a time without letting up.
2. Clothing. There seems to be no rules in fashion. Blue and green are frequently seen, as are lime green Kmart sweaters, pastel purple skirts, pink tracksuit pants that cease at the ankles, and for the discerning dresser, rainbow lycra leggings. Evening wear consists of extremely pointy shoes (note: these must increase the appearance of the length of the foot by 150%, and have a tip capable of resetting the time on digital watches), fluoro boobtubes and a choice of either white jeans (that once again stop short of the ankle) or a sheer elastic-fibre black miniskirt. For the gentlemen there is a selection of brightly coloured shirts with collars such that they may be used to hanglide, woolly tartan anoraks, and Charlotte Hornets basketball jerseys. Streetwear consists of black jumpers with whitish stains down the front, tight fitting stonewash 504 jeans and aerosport joggers (where did they find them?). This disturbing lack of foresight on how an outfit will look when put together, sheds light onto why Sydneysiders’ 2nd comment (after paying you out about how Melbourne rains all the time) is always the puzzling ‘Melbourne is good for shopping, isn’t it.’
3. Taxis. Much the same as Melbourne, however every driver will tell you the same story of how “I started driving taxis four years ago because they told me I would make a lot of money from the Olympics, but I was ripped off because Olympic event tickets enabled passengers free rides on trains and buses, hence no one was catching taxis, and now I think I’ll go back to working at my mother’s shop in Parramatta or maybe train to be an electrician because I hear electricians make a lot of money…”
4. Restaurants. These will always be Thai.
5. Freestyling. When you hear the word ‘buskers’, you may think of acoustic guitar renditions of Pearl Jam and Don McLean, or perhaps tarted-up 14 year old girls with violins. Not so! Every street corner now has a guy with a mic and a $50 amp hooked up to a car battery, loosely rhyming ‘stream-of-consciousness’ observations on globalisation with how the girl that just walked past had on a particularly fetching pair of rainbow lycra leggings.
6. The Melbourne-Radar. You may think you blend in rather nicely as you stand out the front of a train station talking to your friends, but don’t fool yourself. Expect someone to approach you and say “You’re from Melbourne, ay. Cool. Hey, are you guys friends with Aaliyah?”
7. Beer. Ask for a ‘schoonie’ or a ‘midi’. If you ask for a ‘pot of beer’, you will either be looked at quizzically, or be admonished by the bored bartender who will pause before saying: “You’re from Melbourne. Do you want a midi or a schooner?”
8. Craziness. The ratio of psychopaths to ‘just barely coping’ is much higher than in Melbourne. Not sure why… must have something to do with the faster paced lifestyle, higher real-estate prices, larger number of tourists or maybe just the roads. Tourette’s Syndrome is popular on public transport; you can curse people and make up words like prase* and anacronym and no-one will give you a second look (theo).
9. Making Purchases. Everything might seem just a little bit too expensive. It’s not.
10. Police. The blue that the police don is a good two shades lighter than Victorian Police, and a couple of shifts further across the spectrum to look more of a turquoise or aquamarine. This coupled with the snug leather hat with the high peak gives the impression that the law enforcers are actually male strippers of blurred sexuality. “I’m gonna arrest you, and you and you. And then I’m gonna put the handcuffs on you... No, I wanna be bad cop, you’re always bad cop.”
11. Dangerous Streets. We don’t have these in Melbourne. For example in Redfern, unless you are wearing a yellow fubu or wu-wear tracksuit and are accessorised by twelve guys wearing the same thing, you will be mistaken for a rich fag, and be mugged, beaten and stabbed senseless. Sydney’s higher crime rate may be related to the non-threatening shade of blue used by Sydney’s Police force.


* For those with a keen vocabulary, you may be aware that ‘prase’ is in fact a word. If you did know this, you might also know that its entry in the oxford dictionary is as follows: (n) Kind of leek-green translucent quartz. F Gk ‘prasios’, and you should come to trivia night this Thursday.