From The Land Of Lacrosse #2

Hey All

So a few weeks back it was a long weekend. Monday was a public holiday. No-one was really sure why. I mean, they didn’t know technically what the day was set aside for, but EVERYONE knew that it was FIREWORKS DAY. Apparently they set aside four days here for blowing shit up.

I was running round, wetting myself like a giddy little girl. I love fireworks.

You can buy fireworks year round, but you’re only allowed to set them off during public holidays. And for these four days, there are big white tents set up on every street corner, stacked to bursting point with US Army proportions of explosives. They’re all run by Native Canadians… who, as part of reparations, are allowed to trade on publicly owned land (ie nature strips), and without worrying about tax in any form. So it was cheap. And I spent ALL the money I won on my Terri Shiavo vs Pope Jean Paul feeding tube wagers. So I had a swag. The Indian guy was ripping open boxes, and flinging the empties down the street to be carried away by the wind. (Mind you, I think I did see one single tear running down his cheek as he did it). And I loaded up the car.

Setting them all off that night down at the park, with forty other people with the same idea was carnage. My favourite was “Cannonballs of Fire.” It read along the side of the 20cm diameter barrel thusly: “Plant firm in ground, light fuse and vacate with rapidness.” I can tell you, when this puppy went off, all sorts of things were being vacated with rapidness.

Apparently on Saturday night alone, two awnings were set alight, and one house burnt to the ground – just in this neighbourhood alone!! Busiest night of the year for the firies. But I’m all for it man… it’s educational. The two year-old next door learnt the names of three new colours, and the word “incoming.” She was so cute. Should’ve seen her hurling the sparklers into the bushes. I’ll put up photos.

Note the blood-red sky as the houses are razed.

What else? Oh yea, it’s now gone from icy cold to unbearably hot. I can handle 40 degrees in Melbourne just fine. But it’s 30 degrees here and I can barely breathe. The air is so thick with moisture and smog. It is amazingly unpleasant. Goddam what’s wrong with the weather in this place?? Is there no comfort to be had? Jimmy?

On (Not So) Current Events
And because I haven’t written anything properly for a little while… I’m a bit behind with the news… but a couple of points I’d like to make.

1. The new Pope. I know the Vatican City spin doctors are re-writing his past, but no amount of polishing is going to hide the fact this dude’s an extremist, a crook and generally speaking a disaster for humanitarian causes across the globe… and a German to boot! This further reflects a historical relationship between Germans and Italians, stretching back to the special rights conferred on Vatican City by noted sane person Benito Mussolini, thereby turning it into a State, not to mention the Vatican’s gleeful laundering of countless billions looted from Jews by the Nazis. Ratzinger (lovely name – sounds like a chorus of angels speaking the word ‘divine’) will no doubt further the lizard-people’s project of rolling civilization back into the dark ages. Sigh. Oh well, at least I can take some measure of solace in the fact that millions of believers in AIDS ravaged Africa will remain safe from condoms.

2. Miss Universe. Yes, for two years running I have been a resident of the nation that has claimed the Miss Universe title. And I’m sure Miss Thailand picked up Miss Photogenic the year that I was there too. I’d like to thank my mother, my fans and God. It would appear that me just merely being in the country actually boosts the attractiveness of the populace.

3. Russel Crowe. Don’t know how it was portrayed there, but pitching that phone at the concierge was the best move he could’ve made here and in the states. No shit, the guy’s approval has skyrocketed. On the primetime news, there were 30 minute segments of random people saying that they really felt for him… just trying to get in touch with his wife. Everyone here found it endearing. Hahah!

Ok, love to all.

Hope to hear from you soon.