From The Land Of Zambonis #5

Ok, so it would seem that Australians don't have such a squeaky clean reputation abroad. Living Down Under we're told that all of the world loves an Aussie... that right across the globe, foreigners have nothing but the utmost respect and fondness for us. Well... I'm here to tell you, it's not true.

But I'm not talking about our political alignments. And it's not our foreign policies. Nor the race riots, right-wing parties or our undeserved harboring of lead roles in major films. It's our behaviour with respect to relationships with members of the opposite sex. Somehow Australians have become known for being so unfaithful that we're deemed incapable of being monogamous. That's right... apparently we're playas.

Obviously, I'm not actively seeking a relationship. So it doesn't bother me greatly. But just in general conversation on the street or amongst friends, I'm finding out that girls are being warned off me due to my nationality. I must've heard it 20 times in the year I've been here. "Ohhh... never be with an Australian guy... you can't trust them... they act all charming and sweet... but they've all got girls on the side." So my question is... who's doing this? I know it must be one of you guys... no-one travels as much as my circle of friends. The McKinnon/Walsh St crew must have spread their seed in just about every nation on the planet. We're an institution. Ubiquitous. The McDonald's of the unattached jetset elite. So which one of you is doing all the f#$%ng? You don't have to stop. Just put on a Dutch accent or something. Coz you're sullying our hitherto good name.

Moving on.

Some of you might know I was lucky enough to be visited recently by Roland & Dewi. And after you've been kickin it solo styles for a year, it's great to see some friendly faces and hear the mother-tongue. (Even if it is a bastardised SA or QLD version). After a quick tour of Toronto (mostly mug and fridge magnet shops) the three of us booted down south to Havana, Cuba to visit with nuestro compañero Fidel. It was an interesting little trip. Much harder work than other cities I've been to. It took the better part of the trip just to learn how to shake off the ever-present and immensely irritating touts. And buying bread was no picnic either. Although the jam and mayo was much easier to come by for some reason. Anyway... I'll leave it up to Rol&De to give the Cuban travel-log. For my part, I was seeking only two things - music and beachfront. To that end, I'll just say that if you're looking for the best in Cuban music... go to Miami or come to Toronto. The Cuban public can't afford to support musicians, Cuban musicians can't afford to buy instruments, and musicians are one of the few vocations that are eligible for travel permits. And once they get out of the country, they never go back. Most end up in Miami, or here.

So since I've been back in Tdot, I've aligned myself with two very well-known songwriter/producers, and convinced them to form a collective under the quasi-cheesoid name The Audio Cartel. I've done this in an effort to land some major contracts with commercial networks for original music. This includes MTV, Canadian Idol and The Discovery Channel. The tree-hugger in me is dry-wretching from the thought of associating with Viacom, but the Evel Kanyevel in me is looking forward to the bling.

Speaking of Kanye... could there be anyone in the world that's more caught up in their own bullshit? I mean, this guy is actually starting to believe his own inordinately narcissistic outbursts. I saw an interview a couple days ago where he gave an "exclusive" to the reporter by spitting two lines from his next release. She gave the obligatory giggle and little claps... at which time he sort of murmured to himself "Yes, yes, it is quite good." Hahah! Holy shit.

Anyway, I could do with some cash. Taking a month off can really kill the momentum when you're an independent contractor. I tried to set up some gigs and production work before I left, but without me being here making the calls and showing my face around the place, things fell in a heap. It's just starting to pick up again now. Been playing with The Payback again (for those who don't know, it's a local 7 piece funk outfit). Hahah, actually we've got a kinda cool gig coming up at The Docks. So, nice venue, good exposure. But get this - we're getting paid in beer. So at the end of our set, we walk out with two slabs each. I don't drink that much beer (y'all know I rock the tequila) so I don't really see the value here. I know this is probably blasphemous to all the beer-drinkers back home who might see it as a perfectly legitimate form of currency, and would probably spend most their salary on fricken Coopers or whatever anyway. Yea, I'm not one of them. So any creative suggestions as to how I might be able to recoup the value somehow are welcome.

So this Canadian winter was no thang. I was all prepared for the worst, and while yes, it was the worst winter I've ever had, it wasn't "the worst" thing I could have had to prepare for. That doesn't make any sense. Too many hads and haves. Let's just say that I was scared shitless from the tales I'd been hearing, but it was out of all proportion. Not because I scare easily, but because people had been warning me about some of the trials of the colder season, but fortunately it was the mildest winter on record. So it looks like this Global Warming thing is really working out for Canada. They love it here. Everyone's buying a Hummer this spring.

Oh man I love playoff hockey. So fast. So furious. I went and caught a game live a few weeks back. Television does NOT do this sport justice. These guys are huuuuge. And they are moving at quite the pace when they slam each others faces into the boards. I was behind glass and I still flinched. Oh yea, and when the puck comes flying at you, you get a jolt too. Or at least I did. I couldn't sit still - I was cheering at everything, flinching and wincing at every crosscheck and dodging the virtually extrapolated path of the puck. I think all the people sitting around me thought I was crazy. Apparently I was getting too excited when goals where getting scored too - I was embarrassing the guys I went with. I guess no-one was as fired up as me; the game was dead-rubber unfortunately, so that may have curbed everyone's enthusiasm a little. Also, they'd probably all seen hockey before.

Alright, better leave some ranting for next time. The next few weeks are going to be interesting - find out about those contracts, playing a few more gigs including a showcase, some more filmwork, my uncle's coming to visit, and I’ll be recording a couple new tracks in the studio. So I'll probably write again soon. Maybe there'll be more content and less fluff. But then again, content doesn't seem so important in today's social climate. Are the Pussycat Dolls big over there too?

Lots of love to all. I'm thinking about everyone heaps. I just don't write coz I suck.

Free beer for anyone that comes and visits!

Jesse


PS Slang update v1.2:
what's good? = "how are you?"
what's really good? = "but really, what's been happening with you?"
minute = a really long time... eg. long lost friends reuniting might say "it's been a minute"
that's jokes = an exclamation when something is really funny. one can also 'have jokes'
large ups = big ups, only... bigger.
off the chain = good
crack = really good... eg "that bassline is crack, guy"
ish = the word 'shit' when you can't actually say shit. origin: the sound when you reverse 'shit' in a vocal track. eg "keep that ish comin fo real bredren"

PPS (Belated) Congratulations are in order: to my beautiful cousin on the birth of one bouncing bambino; to Ali & Kara on their engagement; to Paul on landing his kickass job and of course the upcoming wedding; Melbournites for surviving the Commonwealth Games; and everyone for their various ongoing successes. I love and miss you all.