From the land of Crest Whitening #3

After my last blog, I’ve received feedback that my entries, whilst immensely entertaining, titillating and gosh-darn it a delight to read (The Walsh St Journal called it ‘a raucous laugh-riot punctuated by moments of truly incisive social deconstructionism’) I haven’t really been writing about ‘me’ as such. Ie what the hell I’m doing here, why, and how do I feel about it. Which is true… but who cares really?

I’ve found myself a cool little apartment right downtown. When I first got here, I stayed with my Uncle in Oakville, which is sort of like Caroline Springs only for rich people, if you can imagine it. Needless to say, despite my fondness for the bling, I didn't fit in. So now I'm sharing a suitably priced yet highly pracical apartment in the heart of TO. It’s a beautiful old building surrounded by contrasting modern monoliths – the first couple of floors are actually a museum, and I’m up on the 16th. Just a small room but it’s right on the subway, and walking distance to my three favourite things: a fresh-produce market; the chic café district and Chinatown.

Also been gigging a fair bit. I’m back into the live music scene baby. Both playing and doing the sound for a couple venues. It seems to be my new vocation. Partly due to time considerations while I’m at school, and partly because it pays so much better than Tim Horton’s. Also did a short stint in a beautifully equipped studio producing Canadian Idol rejects. They were actually not so bad. One Jamaican girl had a pretty nice sounding voice, and the songs came up pretty nicely. Anyway, that was a flat-rate job, and now the project’s finished.

See? Boring to read. And even more boring to write.

Now back to the titillation. (As an aside; isn’t it a stroke of genius that ‘titillate’ has the word ‘tit’ in it? I think it’s brilliant. It wouldn’t be nearly as titillating a word if it didn’t.)

From the paper: A government-funded report released yesterday indicates that each year, Toronto averages 120 deaths related to extreme heat or cold and 822 due to smog. In 2004, Toronto Public Health blamed 1,700 premature deaths on smog.

Apparently the brownish yellowish hue is caused in part by polluting gases, but mostly floating particles – billions of them, (10,000 particles per cubic centimeter on bad days). So it would seem if you live in Toronto, you have no choice but to breath in half-gas half-solid particulate matter. Mmmm.

Oh, and I’m not crazy. The summer was really fricken hot. We broke all sorts of long-standing records. Daily temperatures were 4-8 degrees Celsius above average, and Humidex ratings a similar figure. Hot + Humid + Smog = Cough. Sneeze on the other hand is the summation of cold + runny nose + handling metal bars on the subway. And the wet-handed people on the subway tell me that it's going to be a mother of a Winter. I can already feel the change 'a' comin'. I'm scared.

So apparently I comment on the negative aspects of Toronto too often. Unbeknownst to me, I’ve made a few too many unfair comparisons between Oz & Canada. People aren’t responding with fondness anymore.

I know how they feel… I remember times when international students would complain about life in Melbourne, and how dull it is compared with the fast paced 24 hour flashing light-bulb roller disco ten-pin bowling mega-city Kuala Lumpur (or wherever) and I’d think “Fuck you, you ungrateful sod… if you don’t like it here, then leave.” So it would seem I’m getting a bit of that… but with the shoe on the foot in the other mouth.

So I’ve recently made a change to focus on only the positive attributes of my new home and it’s inhabitants… and furthermore to attempt to assimilate them into my own life, thereby becoming a working part of this wonderfully diverse and beautiful microcosm that is Toronto.

One positive thing I’ve noticed about Canadians is their perfect teeth. In exactly the same way that the Brits have mouthfuls of festy mangled fur-covered chiclets, the Canadians have these Pythagorean symmetrical, and pure white-as-the-driven-snow teeth. So in my quest to seek out the positive, in the street I stopped a man with a particularly stunning set of teeth and asked him just how he got them so bright white. He responded by saying that they’d always just been white, and he never worried about staining. Upon gentle pressuring on my part, he finally admitted to using Crest White Strips a year or so ago… and although the effect is only supposed to last 6 months, he’d never had to use a second batch. “Wow,” I thought and ran to the nearest supermarket and purchased a packet.

So, after two solid weeks of strained jaws and alienesque labial contortions (trying to keep the rest of my face away from my teeth while wearing the strips) I now view my brand-new smile in the mirror afresh. And what’s this? Over the treatment period, it would seem they have turned from a healthy light yellow to a sort of neon lime green. I’m not sure how it happened, or why (perhaps Crest is specially formulated for Canadian teeth?!?), but I now have teeth the same colour as the ink they used in the illustrations for Dr Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham. But of course, the upshot of this is that they really bring out my eyes.

OK SO, this post is getting long, and it's pretty boring really. Sorry. So much for TITillation eh?

I'll just finish up then by saying L'Shanah Tovah. May your year be filled with sweet things. I'll write again shortly. I feel like there's all this stuff I haven't told anyone. (There isn't really... I just like to feel like that - makes me feel important).

Love to all